ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
