Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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