im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
