if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
