walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
