Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
ok first of all what the fuck
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
