McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
