He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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