If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
