He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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