just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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