I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
