she takes plan B like it's going out of style
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
