Don't make out with my wife yet
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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