they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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