There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
