You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
