why didn't you poke me back
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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