I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
