Sry I called you an 8
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
