i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
