She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
