Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
