then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
