Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
