My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
