You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
