i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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