I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
