Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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