When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
