six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Im part way to drunk.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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