me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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