I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
