I just made out with a guy for $7.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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