a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
