can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
