I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
