So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
