you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
