I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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