I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He passed out mid-signature
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
