I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You have to summon your inner elephant
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
