our cab driver is having phone sex.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Panties = found
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
