so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
