my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
