After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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