I can tuck mytits in my pants
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
