goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
