I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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