Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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