Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
